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Strong minded & Independent?

I was in the company of 3 amazing ladies the other day. I sat, listened & watched as they talked. My Great Aunt we think is about 95 (she will never admit how old she acctually is.) My aunts, one is 81 the other fast approaching 80.

All three look amazing, if I look half as good as they do I'll be a very happy woman. They are all strong minded, independent women, all of them have worked & supported their husbands while brining up a family, my 2 aunts still do, one of my uncles still gets up & goes to work most mornings, the other finds life alittle more difficult so she cares for him, although I think he can cope better than my aunt gives him credit for.

My aunts where brought up by another strong minded, independent woman. She refused to have them sent away during the war, she needed to know they where safe & no one was going to seperate them from her even Hilter.

While my grandfather was doing his bit for the war effort, my grandmother had to work, money was very tight & every penny counted. She came from a family of enterpeners, if they thought a scheme could make money they would give it a go. By trade she was a taylor & decided that she would start up her own bussiness.

My aunt talks of how she can remember her sitting in the shop crossed legs working all hours. She continued to work after the war as money worries never went away. My dad arrived towards the end of the war, something of a shock to my grandfather who wasn't sure how that happened! With the extra mouth to feed & my older aunt being clever enough to go grammer school she had to continue working.

Well into her 80's she continued to take in work & even when she became too unwell to live independently she continued to sew.

I was brought up by one of the most stubbon women I know. We argue like cat & dog but still stay friends afterwards. It took me a while to figure out that we fight so much & figured out its because we are the same person. Mum will often end one of our arguments with the phrase 'Your so bloody stubbon, I don't know who you get it from.'

From an early age if I needed anything I had to get it myself, with two younger brothers needing more of mums attention than me I had to be independent. One of my ealiest memories of my little brother is of my mum sitting up with him in her arms over night while he was ill.

I don't know of anyone more fustrating, stubbon & hard work as mum. She drives me nuts. She is also kind, loving & loyal & recently found out highly protective of her children. Somone recently upset me, after repeating the story to her she made me promise to tell me if he did it again & that if he did she would go & find him & 'have a word with him' Believe me you would want to be on the receving of that talking too!

I started off talking about strong minded, independent women, I finished off talking about a strong minded, fustrating independent woman. All the women I've talked apart are my history, part of everyone of them make me who I am today, so am I strong minded & independent.... I bloody hope so!

The One?

They say when you meet 'the one' you know. If that is the case I think I might have met mine 30 years ago.

What you see with me isn't  what you get.  I've come to the conclusion that as a species humans have different versions of themselves, depending on the situation  that we're in. The person people see is not my real self, it's someone I've made to protect  myself & I've got so good at playing her when the shy, almost frightened me appears it comes as a bit of a shock.

I was at college, 16 going on 17 & thought I was so grown up, I came across  him through his job, he was my  first  proper grown up crush. I spent my college years waiting to see him hoping he would notice me.

Leap forward 20 odd years later & our paths cross again. This time I spent my time trying to avoid  him, head down not making eye contact frightened  that he would somehow know about the teenage me.

It's turns out all that waiting around as a teenager wasn't  wasted. We started talking, we ended up flirting, we ended up swopping numbers. He could remember  me as a teenager going to college he did notice me after all.

This isn't however about me & him. This is all about me, the real me and about how I've had to face my fears.

We all have bits of ourselves that we don't  like. To other people I always say if they don't like what they see I don't let it worry me but what happens when they like the bit of ourselves that we don't?

I tried the running & hiding thing but I realised that I was fooling myself & I would have to 'fess up' to him.

I recently had one last attempt, if that didn't work then that was it. The hardest thing to do was delete our text conversations but it's done & I finally decided it's time to  stop chasing the dream. Does he really like me, I think he does but I'm not going to waste my time on people that waste mine.

The real me stood her ground & wasn't  going to let herself be compromised or hurt far worse than I was already. I proved to myself that I can face up to my fears & that I will make it out the side. Now its time for someone else to face theirs,  when they do I'll be there to listen but I hope he realises I'm won't  be the person I once was.

Anyone that knows my GP knows that he's not the type of person that doesn't pull any punches. I like people like that he's the sort of person I could have a conversation with & if I thought he was talking rubbish I'd tell him & he wouldn't take offence.

So when my GP told me that I was lucky to be alive I listened. Don't get me wrong I already knew that but strangely it was comforting, the hospital gave me no information & after a week of internet searching & going over what I already knew about my results it was a relief to have someone to tell me I wasn't making a mountain out of a molehill.

I can be quite a practical person & got used to the fact that I could have pegged it quite quickly. I did have to rethink how I told people about what was wrong with me after a conversation with my mum. She was with me when the nurse patted me on the arm & said 'Good job we got you in for a scan....' I presumed she knew what that all meant, she didn't. It wouldn't be the way I would want to find out that a child of mine could have died by them using the phrase 'I came very close to pegging it!' in a everyday conversation.

That was a month ago, I haven't been at work in that time & spent a lot of time avoiding Jeremy Kyle on daytime telly, becoming slightly obsessed with 'Diners Drive ins & Dives' & trying not to pass out while having a blood test (I have quite a few!) I did however did get something out of

my force rest time, time to think. I spend a lot of my time thinking but have discovered that over thinking is just a waste of time. So without overthinking it I came up with a 2 point plan:

Slow down & take my time.

Now that I'm feeling better I have a tendency to forget that I am actually ill. If I go anywhere I start off with my usual vim & vigour but after about 5 metres I'm finding hard to breath as I'm too much 'bull in china shop' rather than 'stop & smell the roses'. My GP is allowing me to go back to work under the strict that I'm not to get stressed or over excited while there (Lord knows what he thinks I get up to there!) So I am becoming 'Stop & smell the Roses'  kinda girl.

Don't waste my time on people.

I am a people person that likes to help people & hates to see people struggle,  I will help anyone if I can but this does have a downside. My time is now very special so those people who in the past I feel have used me won't be doing so any longer. And if they try to do it again they are going to be told. I started the ball rolling this morning with a text & if it's not the answer I'm looking for it'll hurt but I'll be spending less time thinking what if. I am no longer willing to try & help people who don't actually want to be helped even though they say they do.

I'm looking forward to next week, the next step it will be make or break time for my new 2 point plan.